DELETING THE PAST AND STARTING OVER

I have been away for quite sometime. I deleted my prior posts because there's parts of that time in my life I want to forget. I'll briefly go over what this blog is about. My boss who was also the man I took care of passed away which was a shock because I didn't see it coming, and the man I was dating basically made me feel terrible about myself and I had to leave him. I don't hold it against him.He wanted me to be someone else and he didn't love me for me. He liked talking about business and the government and I liked talking about anything but that and he liked skinny girls and I am not built to be a "skinny girl" and I got so obsessed with becoming this "dream girl" that I lost myself and love for myself. I never felt good enough. He picked me apart. I am a thick girl. I have curves and I embrace them and love them. Plus if shit goes down I can hold my own now.

So anyway...to sum it all up Ken was dying and the man I was with at the time wasn't very supportive during all that in fact he was worse than he ever was, so I broke up with him. Anyway I went to see my sister and Mary one weekend while Ken was in ICU because only family was allowed to see him. So my sister and Mary introduced me to my hero. When I say my hero I mean it. His name is Jonathan. He was the sweetest man I had ever met. I had to leave that Monday morning to go home because Ken got out of ICU and we were told he had less than a week to live. So I left in a panic and left my wallet at Jonathan's house by accident. I was so crazed that I didn't realize I had left it there until 3 days later. During those 3 days kens family wanted him in hospice house. Ken wanted to die in his bed in his house. So I made a deal with him that morning, if he tried it out, I didn't care if it was 30 minutes, I would pack a bag and meet him at his house. He agreed. i went to my car and realized I had no wallet. So I called Jonathan and asked him if it was there. He said it was. I asked him if he would mail it and he said no he would bring it to me. At that time he lived 2 hours away. This may not seem like a big deal to most people but it is to me. This man was willing to drive 2 hours to give me my wallet. Whoever said chivalry was dead lied. The next day i went to the hospital and waited for Ken to be discharged. After that we went to hospice. He hated it. I could see it in his eyes. I went to burger king and got him a whopper and fed it to him. What broke my heart was he didn't want to die. I'm tearing up thinking about it. It was terrible. He kept saying "We will get through this. I'll eat right I'll exercise I'll do anything" and I said "okay Ken we will". I mean what was I supposed to say? I have never had to go through something like that. Jonathan came into town and I left to go get my wallet. He checked into a hotel and I hung out with him just killing time because I knew Ken was going to leave hospice and since Ken was in Hickory and so was Jonathan it was better than driving back to Maiden. I was with Jonathan for 20 minutes and I got the call. Ken was going home. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did both. I got to the house before anyone and turned the porch light on and opened the door. As soon as the door opened I saw the ambulance pulling into the driveway. You want to talk about seeing a happy man? Someone who has peace all over their face? That was Kenneth Eugene Powers. At the moment I knew there was a heaven. He was smiling so big when they brought him into the door.(I am crying so hard right now, I don't think I ever got the chance to really mourn lol) Anyway, They brought him in his room and put him in his bed. I got a chair and put it at the foot of his bed and talked to him for a little while. We talked about everything. He said that he wanted me to do what makes me happy. He said "Never settle for less. If someone doesn't love you for you then screw them. Demand respect. If a man makes you feel bad and does things that hurts your feelings tell them to stop and if they don't then they don't care about you. You are a strong, intelligent woman, and you go grab life by the balls. I love you like my own. You will be successful in everything you do." I will never ever forget that. He tried so hard to live. He refused to take morphine for a day but then the fluid retention started in and the pain was unbearable. He gave up and took his first dose. He finally slept. Jonathan came to Ken's house and was there for me. I couldn't cry in front of him though.I felt bad that he was already having to see all this, so I held it in. My mom and dad brought me some more supplies and for some reason the minute I saw them I lost it. I hadn't slept in 26 hours and I just latched onto both of them and fell apart. Ken taught me so much and helped me so much and was the most appreciative person I had ever met. He called me his guardian angel and said I saved his life and here he was dying and I felt like a failure! I was so angry with myself. I stopped crying and pulled myself together. Jonathan gives the best hugs in the world. No matter what kind of problems I may encounter in the future I will never ever forget how "there for me" he was and how amazing he was. I love him to death for that. He barely knew me and did that for me. I will forever be grateful for that. He is a great man. The epitome of man. I hold onto that memory with a vice grip. Jonathan went home that evening. That night I realized I had been awake for 53 hours. I couldn't sleep. My body wouldn't let me. I went in Kens room and the nurse told me it wouldn't be long. I got this sinking feeling in my chest. I crawled up in the bed and laid kens head on a pillow in my lap and I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I said "Ken, you have instilled in me the most courage anyone could ever possess, so if you are holding on because you think I won't be okay you are wrong. You are my best friend and if you want heaven, fly way." He passed away a couple minutes later. I had someone die in my arms. I still can't believe it. I thought it would scare me but it didn't. There was no struggle on his face. Its sad and happy at the same time.

He loved Elvis. So we played you will never walk alone at his funeral. He loved that song. I play that song on pretty days when I am in my car because that is my little piece of heaven.

TO BE CONTINUED....